Sunday School With Hidan
by GoesKaboom
Summary: Hidan decides that his fellow Akatsuki need to get religion- Jashinism, to be exact. So, he decides to have... SUNDAY SCHOOL! Crack fic. Complete.
1. Uneducated Heathens!

Sunday School With Hidan

**NOTE: If I owned Naruto, I'd have a hell of a lot more money than I do now. Or maybe I wouldn't, I tend to buy more computer stuff than I actually need... **

**WARNING: Language, sensitive material **

Chapter One: Uneducated Heathens!

It was finally time for his fellow organization members to get educated, Hidan thought. Daily, their ignorance of the basics of his religion showed, and honestly, he was sick of it. Of course, no one except for Kakuzu ever commented on it, but they all thought he was an idiot. Hidan would never forget the day he came back inside the lair after an impalement ritual, and Itachi gave him a look of disgust. Or when he would sing hymns loudly at 2:00 AM and Sasori would threaten to turn him into a puppet if he didn't shut up. Or when Pein threatened to slash his paycheck if he refused to work on his holidays- Hidan felt that was nothing short of bias.

"Listen up, heathens!" he finally announced one morning at breakfast. "I have come to a decision!"

"Please tell me you are leaving the organization!" Kakuzu retorted, sipping his orange juice. "Or that you've finally decided to invest your money wisely? That would be great!" Hidan shot him a withering glance.

"Guess again, asshole," he said.

"You're getting married?" Tobi guessed. Hidan blinked.

"Uh... no. That's not it either," he replied. Kakuzu let out a barking laugh.

"Tobi, are you on crack? Hidan couldn't even get a vapid gold-digger to look at him, let alone find a girl stupid enough to marry him! Hell, for that matter, he couldn't even get a GUY!"

"I am going to sacrifice your sorry ass in a few minutes if you don't shut the fuck up," Hidan hissed, his voice a deadly whisper. Kakuzu smirked and looked like he was about to say something else, but Itachi interrupted him.

"Stop giving us the runaround, Hidan!" he interjected. "Just tell us whatever it is that you are going to tell us and get on with it!" Everyone around the table looked shocked. It was very unusual for Itachi to go off on someone like that. Hidan cleared his throat.

"Are you all done?" he asked irately. When no one answered, he continued. "The time has come for you to _get religion!"_ A collective sigh arose from the group and Kakuzu broke the silence.

"If you give me any more of the damn pamphlets, I swear that I am going to make you _eat _them! And then when you finish it, I'm going to kick you repeatedly until you're begging to deconvert!"

"But Hidan, why?" Kisame yelped.

"NOOOOOO!" Tobi howled. "NOT THE MORALITY!"

"Hmpf..." Deidara said contemptously. "Every time my mother made me go to sunday school, I blew it up-un!"

"No one is blowing this sunday school up!" Hidan roared. "It is high time you learn about Jashin-sama, because if you don't, it'll be too late! If you die without affirming Jashin-sama, you will suffer a horrible fate!"

"How horrible?" Tobi asked apprehensively. Hidan shuddered.

"Oh, I'm not going to tell you yet. I don't want to scare you off quite yet... but all in due time. You will eventually learn, as it is everyone's duty to know and share."

"Wonderful..." Deidara sighed. "Hidan is there a reason behind this sudden interest in converting us?" Hidan shook his head.

"No, I just think that everyone should be happy like I am!" he beamed. Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"Yeah... 'happy'. More like 'batshit insane'," he whispered to Sasori who nodded in agreement. Hidan ignored them.

"Everyone meet back here tomorrow morning! And if you don't show up, I'll sacrifice you! See you around, uneducated heathens!" Once he left, Itachi sighed exhaustedly.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?"

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments

This story is not meant to be offensive- it's just supposed to be funny, and maybe lampoon pompous sunday school teachers from my childhood. It is fairly short- I have it planned to be five chapters long. Thanks for reading!

-Kaboom


	2. Hidan on Sacrifice

Sunday School With Hidan

Chapter Two- Hidan on Sacrifice

The next morning, Hidan woke up bright and early in order to ambush unsuspecting Akatsuki members as they came down for breakfast. There was no doubt in his mind that they would try to escape from his teachings, so he knew he needed extra work. So, he craftily put his plan into action.

The first victim to fall into Hidan's trap was Kisame. He always woke up before everyone else, grabbed a Toaster Strudel from the freezer, then proceeded to train. But not today.

"What the hell?" he shrieked as he stepped into the kitchen (and by default, Hidan's curse circle) and was immediately forced into a chair. No matter how much he struggled, he could not get free.

"Nice of you to drop in," Hidan grinned ghoulishly. Kisame glared.

"Just let me get my damn Toaster Strudel!" he yelled. Hidan plonked a plate of pastry in front of Kisame.

"Cherry. Your favorite," he intoned.

"Uh, thanks, I guess..." Kisame replied uncertainly.

* * *

One by one, everyone else fell into Hidan's trap. "All right already! If we listen to your stupid lessoon can we go-un?" a still-sleepy Deidara asked, pulling his hair out of his eyes. Hidan nodded. "Good."

"Everyone, today we are going to explore the writings of Jashin-sama on sacrifice," Hidan said. Nobody looked very interested. "Come on! I'm going to teach you about proper sacrifice techniques!"

"Uh, in case you forgot, Einstein, we already know how to kill things!" Kakuzu howled. "It's not rocket science!"

"On the contrary, heathen," Hidan retorted. "Properly sacrificing someone is an art form. _The Book of Sacrificing, _6:13 says, '_Woe be unto those who do not perform their sacrifices correctly. It is an abomination unto Jashin-sama as it maketh his world unpleasent to be in.'"_

"Is that a real scripture?" Deidara asked.

"Yes," Hidan replied. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason."

"_And thus sayeth Jashin-sama; 'A sacrifice shall be killed whichever way one prefers, but if one wants to doeth it correctly, one shall do it in a circle,'"_ Hidan continued. "Got that, fuckheads?"

"Yes, we understand," the group intoned monotonously. Hidan leered.

"Excellent. However, some sacrifices are more acceptable than others. '_In order to really please Jashin-sama, a sacrifice should be someone that the one performing the sacrifice hates. Not only will this please Jashin-sama, it will also please the one performing the sacrifice, it will also please __the one performing __the sacrifice since that person is now dead! Jashin-sama liketh happy followers.'"_

"A religion where you get to kill people you hate?" Itachi mused. "Why hasn't my brother become a monk yet?" Hidan laughed at that.

"But Jashin-sama only takes the best of the best among the population to be monks and nuns!"

"Sheesh, dude, it was just a passing comment," Itachi remarked quickly. "I wasn't trying to offend your monks or anything."

"It's fine..." Hidan replied. "Now let's get back to sacrifices! Does anyone know why Jashin-sama demands sacrifice?"

"Because he's Jashin-sama, and he can?" Tobi guessed.

"Well, that, but there's another reason," Hidan replied. "Good guess, though. Nice to see you're not a dumbass all the time!"

"Yeah, I try," Tobi said modestly, lowering his eyes.

"Are the rest of us just going to sit here while the two of you hit on each other or are we going to get this over with?" one-half of Zetsu barked while the other added a "HELL YEAH!" Hidan looked revolted, and Tobi scooted as far away from Hidan as the circle-curse would let him.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Tobi screeched. "What are you talking about, Zetsu-san?"

"That is the single most fucked-up thing I've ever heard you say, Zetsu, and I've heard all kinds of fucked-up shit from you!" Hidan announced. "Anyway, when are we going to let me finish the lesson on sacrifices?"

"EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!" a loud voice cut through. "I JUST WANT TO GET MY COFFEE AND DANISH, GRAB THE NEWSPAPER, AND ENJOY MY MORNING-UN!" Deidara looked like he was about to hit the roof. A hush quickly descended, and Deidara looked sheepish. "Sorry. I'm just really hungry."

"Yeah, we can tell..." Sasori said faintly.

"Are you always that pissy when you're hungry?" Kakuzu asked. Deidara bowed his head.

"Uh, well then, on that slightly disturbing note, I think it is time for a recap," Hidan interrupted. "What did we learn today?"

"That Jashin-sama's favorite sacrificial victimesare people the sacrificer hates," Itachi recited.

"And that it must be done in a circle-curse," Zetsu's light side added.

"Tobi loves Hidan!" Kakuzu taunted. Hidan grimaced, but said nothing.

"Whatever morons. Same time tomorrow."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments-

I had a lot of fun writing the scriptures Hidan quoted. It's always entertaining to write in really important-sounding language! :D

I wrote the draft for this chapter in the laundromat and think I scared the lady next to me when I laughed a little to myself... I felt kind of bad.

-Kaboom


	3. Hidan on Food

Sunday School With Hidan

Chapter Three- Hidan on Food

The next morning no one even thought of trying to skip out on Hidan's class. No one wanted to miss out on that morning's entertainment.

So, as a result, Hidan was shocked when he went downstairs and saw everyone waiting patiently for him around the breakfast table, and he didn't know what to make of it. "What're you doing? You look like you are in a fucking bus stop or something!"

"What is today's lesson, Hidan-sensei?" Tobi asked cheerfully. Hidan looked astounded.

"You guys really took to the teachings quickly!" he said, shocked. "Are you all that interested in converting?"

"Hell no," Kakuzu replied adamantly. "We just like to see you trip all over yourself to make us believe."

"Thanks, asshole," a miffed Hidan answered. "But whatever. Today I'm going to tell you about food."

"ALL RIGHT!" Zetsu and Deidara high-fived each other, causing the others to roll their eyes. "What?"

"The only thing the two of you ever think about is food," Itachi sighed. Deidara took offense.

"I think about art quite often! And I think about explosions and lots of other things-un!" he shouted indignantly. Itachi just shook his head.

"Shall we begin?" Hidan asked. "There are only a few rules that my religion has about food. _The Book of Snacking, 7:33- "And Jashin-sama sayeth unto them- 'Eat what you love to eat, but do not make thyself sick, as Jashin-sama will have no mercy on the stupid.'"_

"Wise advice," Kisame nodded.

"Also, _The Book of Snacking, 7:37- 'Blessed are those who eat spicy things, as the pain of the tounge and agonized screaming are like sweet nectar unto Jashin-sama."_ Hidan recited from memory. "Other than the admonishments against eating yourself sick, that's it. Most of the verses about food are about what _kinds_ of food are spicy."

"At least the food bits don't seem all that bad," Tobi said. Hidan eyed him warily.

"You tell that AFTER you've gone through a hot pepper/impalement ritual! While I stabbed myself, they fed me scotch bonnets! It was the most wonderfully miserable experience of my life!" he chorused, his eyes going misty. "It was amazing!"

"What a crazy religion..." Sasori muttered.

"You are just figuring that out?" Deidara replied.

"Well, no," Sasori admitted.

"Anyway," Hidan continued, ignoring them. "Other than that, there are no rules, except don't make yourself sick."

"That's good to know," Zetsu replied.

"Hey, Hidan?" Tobi asked.

"What?"

"How do you do a hot pepper/impalement ritual?" Hidan smirked.

"That's tomorrow's lesson!"

To Be Continued!

* * *

Author's Comments-

I might not be able to update for the next two weeks since my computer is being fixed, and I have to use the shared computer. I will try, but I'm not making any promises. It's difficult to get a long enough time to actually type up a chapter... :(

-Kaboom


	4. Hidan on Rituals

Sunday School With Hidan

**Warning: Violence  
**

Chapter Four: Hidan on Rituals

The third day oF Hidan's classes did not start off as well as the other two had. "Damn you, Tobi!" Deidara screeched. "You stupid shithead, you broke the coffee pot!"

"It was an accident!" Tobi whined. "You know that, Deidara-sempai!"

"Accident or not, I'm still gonna kill you-un!" Deidara shouted. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"It's a fucking coffee pot," he said. "Don't bleed in the kitchen. Even I don't come in the kitchen after a ritual. We all eat food prepared in here- let's try to keep it clean." Deidara glared.

"Fine," he said grudgingly, taking his seat.

"Now then, everyone," Hidan intoned. "Today we will learn the proper way to perform the impalement ritual." Everyone around the table winced.

"Ow..." Tobi whispered. Even Itachi looked like he'd rather be anywhere other than involved in this conversation.

"You've got to be kidding!" Zetsu's light side said, while his dark side added, "That would kill us, smart one." Hidan shook his head.

"By converting to Jashinism, you gain eternal life!" he exclaimed. "The ritual only increases your stamina and your favor in the sight of Jashin-sama! It is not dangerous to you at all, as long as you cast the right circle and you _mean_ the ritual!"

"What do you mean, _mean_ the ritual?" Tobi asked.

"You have to be focused on worshipping Jashin-sama, and really intend to give your life over to him," Hidan answered. "The ritual is a dialogue between Jashin-sama and his worshipper. It is a sacred, holy thing, and misuse of the ritual will result in dire consequences."

"Well, you would think so!" Kakuzu said sarcastically. "Any deity probably has better things to do than listen to the half-baked rituals of lukewarm worshippers." Hidan stared at him in amazement.

"I guess you are not as much of a dumbass as you look!" he exclaimed. "How did you know that?"

"Well, if I was a deity, I would be pretty annoyed if people were bothering me all of the time," Kakuzu responded. Hidan nodded.

"The First Book of Ritual, 6:12 says, '_Jashin-sama shall smite those who do not considereth their rituals to be of the utmost sanctity,'_ " he recited. "Jashin-sama talkes rituals seriously."

"There's more than one Book of Ritual?" Itachi asked.

"There's two," Hidan replied. "The first states the importance of rituals, and the second states how to perform them."

"Oh."

"It's confusing, I know," Hidan said. "But try to take it all in- it could save your soul. Plus, it is good for the psyche to learn about these things."

"Whatever," Kakuzu interjected. "I'm only here because you would never let me be in peace again if I skipped out. Let's just get this over with- I want to grab my breakfast and go back to bed!"

"At least you can actually get breakfast! Some moron broke the coffee pot, so I can't have breakfast!" a very angry Deidara glared at Tobi.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Deidara, get over it! Just drink some tea or something!" Sasori almost screamed. "Don't be so high maintenance!"

"But Danna, Tobi's pissing me off-un!" Deidara whined.

"If you don't shut up and let me finish, I'm going to use your ass to demonstrate the ritual," Hidan warned. Deidara shut up quickly. "Thank you. Now, the ritual itself is very simple. The Second Book of Ritual explains it. I am not going to read the entire book to you, so I'll paraphrase it: You draw a curse-circle, step inside it, take the scythe and stab yourself. It's quite simple."

"It sounds suicidal," Tobi said, eyes wide."

"We already went over that!" Hidan replied exasperatedly. "It won't kill you if you wholeheartedly trust Jashin-sama! Don't be a pussy, it's not dangerous."

"I'd kind of like to play it safe for now..." Kisame said weakly. Everyone nodded in agreement. Hidan sighed.

"Fine, have it your way."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments-

I still haven't gotten my computer fixed, but I wanted to update. I have to make this quick because I'm still on the shared computer, and I'm not sure how much time I have left. Anyway, the next chapter will be the last. Thank you for reading all the way through.

-Kaboom


	5. Convert, Dammit!

Sunday School With Hidan

Chapter Five: Convert, Dammit!

Now that Hidan had gone over just about everything he could think of, it was time to badger his captive audience about conversion. The morning that everyone sat down ready for the next day's lesson, Hidan surprised them all by handing them a small ticket of paper and a pencil.

"What's this for?" Itachi asked.

"Today is the day that you make the most important step of your lives," Hidan sing-songed.

"I do not know if I like the sound of that.." Zetsu's light side gulped. "No shit," his dark side said in addition.

"What do you mean?" a slightly nervous-looking Sasori asked.

"I mean that today is the day you convert Jashin-sama will be so pleased that I brought so many new souls to his truth! Just write your names on this ticket, cut your finger, and let the blood fall on the paper! With that gesture, Jashin-sama will bestow you with your eternal life! It's a win-win situation!"

"You sound like a used-car salesman," Kakuzu remarked.

"Shut up and convert!" Hidan yelled.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Tobi asked. "What will we have to do once we've converted?"

"Then you will perform your first ritual! Once you've attained your immortality, you _must_ perform the ritual to seal your contract with Jashin-sama! Then, once you perform the ritual, you will go out and perform your first sacrifice!"

"How often will we have to do this?" Deidara asked.

"Every day," Hidan replied proudly. "Jashin-sama comes first in your life!"

"EVERY DAY?!"both Zetsus burst out with.

"Where the hell are we going to find the time to do all that-un?"Deidara asked. Hidan looked uncomfortable.

"Well, really, Jashin-sama is supposed to take precedence over everything else in your life..." he stated.

"SCREW THAT!"Deidara yelled. "My art takes precedence over everything else already!"

"That crap isn't art," Sasori said.

"I am going to beat you both upside the head if you start that again," Kisame said warningly. "I'm still half-deaf in my ears from the last time you two got into that argument!"

"You are a fucking fool!" Hidan roared. "I went out of my way to show you the light and you reject it! You are unwise; and will suffer for all eternity after death!"

"Oh yeah," Itachi said, realization dawning on his face. "You never did tell us about what would happen in the afterlife."

"Hell for all eternity is terrible! You are forced to sit in an empty room and answer a ten thousand question survey. If you answer a question untruthfully, you will be torn limb from limb and reassembled to finish your survey. Once you finish, Jashin-sama will take your answers and assemble your own personal hell!"

"Uh, ok, then," Deidara replied. "That doesn't sound so bad. You could just fudge your answers so that hell is your idea of paradise!"

"What part of 'torn limb from limb' do you not understand?" Hidan asked. "You cannot fudge your fucking answers in hell!"

"You know, guys, I think I'm willing to take my chances with this hell place," Itachi said. "After all, giving up so much of my day for this kind of thing sounds like hell to me!"

"Yeah!" everyone agreed as they stood up to leave.

"GET BACK HERE AND CONVERT, DAMMIT!" Hidan howled.

* * *

"This plan didn't work, Jashin-sama," Hidan prayed that night. "But I will bring them to You, that I will!"

End

Author's Comments-

Thank you all for reading this all the way through! I had fun writing this, and I hope that you all liked reading it! :)

-Kaboom


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